Sydna’s Sexual Soul Ties
God slowly began a process of reminding me of memories that needed repentance. Thankfully this was done slowly and methodically. In fact, I believe I’m still in that process! When situations are confessed, repented, and released to God, we automatically are stronger in our walk with Him.
One exercise that was helpful in identifying the roots of my behavioral problems was to list out the major events of my life – both positive and negative. Many times post-abortive women have a history of other major hurts that impacted their decision to be sexually active outside of marriage.
In listing out my life experiences, I saw myself as a poor abandoned child and finally grieved for my lost innocence. I had a long pity party for the young and defenseless Sydna. During that period, I was conscious that the understanding of the hardships of my past did not remove or reduce my guilt in the choices I made. It did help me understand and begin to work on those issues with God’s help.
This shattering sexual soul ties process began in my post-abortion bible study class in 1992. When the memories of the relationship that led to my abortion finally started surfacing extensively in my mind, I could understand why I ended up at the abortion clinic.
My parent’s divorce truly began the process of my loss of innocence. My father’s departure from daily life started my search to replace the loss of his love. My low self-esteem convinced me I was unworthy of love. I felt deserted by my father and believed Satan’s lies that I must have no value. When I entered the relationship with “Alan,” I was nearing the bottom of my expectations in a male partner. I was vulnerable, naïve and had little worldly experience.
The next step in healing from this particular soul tie with “Alan” was in relaying some of my experiences with him to my husband. We both found this particularly difficult because it involved sharing detailed information about my sexual encounters with another man! At first, Tom struggled to even listen!
I understand that this type of communication isn’t possible in every marriage. Some husbands have actually told me that they “wouldn’t want to hear it” from their wives and it was best left in the past. I explain that confessing this with my husband accomplished a new level of healing which restored me sexually as his wife.
You see, I had believed Satan’s lie that if my husband knew the detailed truth, he wouldn’t want to be with me. When Tom accepted me in spite of some of these truths, our intimacy level was enhanced and our marriage bed was clear of “Alan’s” memory. For some husbands, the prospect of better sex with their wives is enough to encourage them to listen!
While we had accomplished removing “Alan” from our marriage bed, there were still other partners that had to be dealt with that came after “Alan” and involved one night stands. This process took much more time and it was important that we didn’t rush it.
As we entered our forties, and I began to talk about this subject at a conference level, we actively took time to ferret out the other players in our sexual past. With each discussion, we learned more about each other. It was a gradual process where we set specific times and places for the next discussion so that we could both come emotionally prepared. Sometimes we dreaded the discussion but at this point there really isn’t much left between us. Our marriage is stronger and our confidence in each other’s love is a blessing.
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