Module 2 Devotional
I was walking down the stairs at work when a memory leaped out of my heart. I was standing in front of the mirror over the kitchen sink at home. My mother was washing the dishes as I dried them. Knowing I was pregnant, I was hoping for a way out from choosing abortion. I couldn’t tell my mother the truth. So I simply hoped she would ask me, “Is there anything wrong?” Then I would be free to share about my unexpected pregnancy with her.
My eyes searched for hers in the mirror hoping she would notice my crisis. She noticed my stare and then dropped her eyes. She focused on scrubbing a pot. Years later she would say that she knew something was wrong but never dreamed it was a pregnancy. Her old phrase about learning about difficult truths was, “I guess I’m better off not knowing, so please don’t tell me.” She was in denial as well.
For three weeks I indirectly worked to get my mother’s attention but she never asked me what was wrong. I returned to school. My abortion appointment was the following Saturday. I felt abandoned and began to hate her. In that moment of remembering her avoidance after reading the symptoms of Abortion PTSD, the familiar anger against her returned to my soul.
God’s convicting voice spoke into my heart – “You took the life of her grandchild and hated her for it. She’s not guilty of your sin.”
I hadn’t thought of it that way so I knew that was God’s voice in my heart. I had to consider that my abortion hurt her too. She didn’t deserve ANY blame.
I repented of the anger and asked God for help. While our relationship wasn’t salvageable at the time, God wanted me to accept responsibility for my own sin and not shift the blame to anyone else.
This memory occurred after I read a pamphlet that outlined the symptoms of post-abortion syndrome. The list described my pain perfectly. I had struggled with many traits – guilt, anxiety, depression, anniversary reaction, interruption of bonding process with future children, alcohol and drug abuse. I could see a bit of myself in every symptom!
Diagnosis of a problem is the first step in healing. In knowing my pain was centered on my abortion, I knew that in dealing with it, I could be whole again! While that realization helped, I still found myself crying that night. I missed my child more than I ever realized.
What was God doing to my heart? He was renovating it – sweeping it clean and scrubbing the floors until they shone. C.S. Lewis talks about how God renovates us in his classic book Mere Christianity:
“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild the house. At first perhaps, you can understand what he is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the rooms and so on. You knew that these jobs needed doing and so you weren’t surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not make sense. What on earth is he up to? The explanation is that he is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing but a new wing here, putting an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but he is building a palace. He intends to come live in it himself.”
What memories are coming to your mind today? Do they bring back any old emotions? Ask God what He wants you to do with these recollections. As David said in Psalm 7:1, Lord my God, I take refuge in you… God will sweep your house clean in His good time and comfort your heart as He does so.