The Choice to Heal
God knows my name and hears me when I call out to Him.
A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more. Jeremiah 31:15
God promises to heal the broken hearted and bind up our wounds. The process of healing is typically led with what is often termed, “spiritual surgery of the heart.” Healing starts when we read God’s Word (the Bible) and apply it to our thoughts so that it lines up with God’s will and grace that He so freely gives us. There will be times you want to quit but hang in there. His promises are true. He desires nothing but good for your hurting heart.
By viewing this page, we are assuming that you have been negatively impacted by someone else’s abortion. This class, or “module,” is designed to help your heart find peace with this loss and begin to heal. Each lesson in this class will have activities to help you process this healing along with questions for you to consider and answer. This process will help build an understanding in your heart of what happened, how it impacted you and then walk you through God’s healing.
Our team is always available to assist you in this process. Feel free to contact us at any time using the contact button.
If you have personally chosen abortion, please consider completing the other modules on this website if you have not addressed this pain in your heart.
About Your Grandchild’s Abortion
If you were involved in the abortion
If there was indifference, pressure or coercion on your part surrounding the abortion decision, then a fracture in parent-child relationship is typically unavoidable. Your daughter/son may feel they need to repress or deny any negative effects of the abortion to preserve the belief that their family did what was best for them.
Typically, once the procedure is over, the abortion is never mentioned again. The inability to discuss this abortion may continue to cause a breech in the parent/child relationship.
By never discussing the abortion again, a message is sent that abortion is wrong. Your child was bad and/or was not mature enough to handle or make decisions regarding their own child.
Feelings of regret or guilt are often repressed in these situations where abortion is not discussed. That will lead your daughter/son to believe they are the cause of all the conflict in your relationship.
When an adolescent girl has been pressured to abort by her parents, her typical feelings are as follows:
There is also an overall sadness in the adolescent girl that results from the breakdown of trust and intimacy in the parental relationship. This situation leads blame for the abortion to be projected, either onto your shoulders or theirs for getting pregnant in the first place.
Each of these mindsets result in detrimental consequences to the relationship. As the child ages, this lack of communication can lead to a complete rejection of the parental relationship.
If you were not involved in the abortion
Secrecy, shame, or fear of being a disappointment to the family is often a strong motivator for young women and men to abort without involving their parents. It is important to understand how an abortion secret can impact family dynamics.
Parents who are vocally pro-life – who believe that abortion is morally and spiritually unacceptable – often do not realize that their children may still make this choice. Being pro-life does not shield you from having a grandchild aborted.
Even when parents have been vocal about their support for those in unexpected pregnancies, immature/teenage hearts often draw conclusions about how parents will react to the news that they have lost their virginity. Feeling like they are trapped because their actions will result in parental disappointment, they can abort quickly. Then they often vow that no one will ever discover the truth.
Lack of support can often be an unintentional on a parent’s part. Non-verbal messages that occurs over child’s maturing years can lead to immature conclusions.
Sydna Massé reveals that her mother once told her that she would, “break her arm,” if she ever came home pregnant without being married. Sydna did not know the details of how a baby was conceived when she heard this comment. So that led to even more confusion in her heart and great alarm.
When Sydna found herself in an unexpected pregnancy at 19, her mother’s words about “breaking her arm” encouraged her to abort. Sadly, her mother never remembered making such a statement when they discussed it many years later.
If parents teach their children that their love could be withdrawn if they ever disappoint them, the daughter/son may have aborted simply based on her own immature view of parent-child love relationship. As wrong as this may seem, a parent can also fail to instill the belief of unconditional love in their children heart, despite any sinful action.
Secrecy about the pregnancy and abortion can have a long-lasting impact on the parent/child relationship. Abortion related guilt and anger is often projected onto others – even those who never knew about the pregnancy. Sydna held a great deal of anger against her mother despite the fact her mother never even knew she was pregnant!
Anger often results and can be unknowingly directed towards the parent for not noticing the pregnancy, so the abortion could be stopped. This may sound incredible simply because they kept the secret from you. Just understand their anger feelings can be very real.
If the abortion occurred to save the reputation of parents – or to avoid a painful and/or daunting parental confrontation – the abortion secret becomes a greater necessity. If this is the case, their abortion may result in a deeper family dysfunction.
If the parents do not know about the abortion, the daughter/son must return home afterwards and begin to maintain a façade of feeling fine. As this deception continues, they must exert deep emotions to maintain the secret. That can lead to prolonged stress that can weaken immature coping skills. Anxiety, depression and/or dysfunction can then result even in a previously stable parent/child relationship.
Wherever you are in this mix, one thing is for sure – you love your daughter/son very much. You wanted the best for your child then and now. You may have made some mistakes along the way, but all parents do at some level.
We know your own heart is broken over the abortion or you would not be reading this study today. Staying where you are in that pain will not bring closure to your heart. This is one issue that needs the touch of a loving God applied to our hearts.
You likely will shed many tears and may feel like this is too hard to deal with and want to quit. Let us assure you it is not too hard.
If you stop now, these emotions and pain will circle around again. But if you reach forward for God’s help, the result can heal your daughter/son as well as your own. Healing will not come easy… but it will be worth it.
How This Abortion Impacted You
There are four aspects of involvement in abortion for those that are not the parents of the lost child. These include the following scenarios:
- You did not know about the pregnancy and subsequent abortion and learned about it after the fact. The abortion could have occurred yesterday or years ago.
- You knew about the pregnancy and subsequent abortion but were not involved or refused to participate in the abortion, allowing the decision to abort solely be the pregnant woman’s choice.
- You knew about the abortion and disagreed or may have actively tried to stop the abortion but had no legal standing to do so.
- You pressured or encouraged the abortion. You may not have allowed the impacted individual any other option but abortion. You may have gone with her to the abortion clinic and helped pay for the abortion.
This class will use the four aspects above, offering two basic approaches for healing as follows:
- You found out about the abortion after the fact. You did not have prior knowledge of the pregnancy; and did not participate in any way with the decision to abort.
- You knew about or may have participated the abortion.
Healing is for you. When you are healthy, you can begin to have a healthier relationship with the individuals you know who aborted. This process will require time, thought and complete honesty between yourself and God. Without this level of truth, you may not experience all that God wants to give you or find lasting relief from your heartache and pain.
On a piece of paper, please answer the following questions:
How did you learn about the abortion and what was your involvement?
How would you describe your life emotionally, physically, and spiritually before you knew about the pregnancy and after the abortion?
What are you hoping that God will do for you through this Bible study?
Complete the following:
Read Lesson 2 – A Grandmothers Story – Cut and paste anything in this story that touches your heart and save it for future reference.
Complete Activity 2.1 – My Story – Have you ever told your story? Piecing together this abortion story can clear up misunderstandings. Even when facts are missing, some basic conclusions can be drawn. Ask God to help you in asking good questions if possible and to process this information in a healthy manner. There may be details that you are unaware of so only record what you remember or what involves you. Do not worry about including all the details. If it has been many years since the abortion, you may remember more details later. Feel free to add a list of questions that you may want to ask in the future of this child’s parents. Pray and ask God to help you remember what is most important in healing your heartache. Tell it now to God by writing out this history.
Hello, I am Sydna Massé Founder and CEO of Ramah International. I'd love to keep in touch and include you in our prayer chain as we continue to serve abortion's wounded and those considering abortion.
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