Peace and Letting Go
There were many things I wanted to tell Jesse, my child in heaven. As part of my recovery process, I wrote a letter to God and asked Him to convey the information in my heart to Jesse.
As I started the letter, I could nearly feel my child sitting next to me. I first apologized for allowing him to die. Then I outlined what my life could have been like with him beside me on Earth. I shared about his family on Earth and how everyone knew his name. Finally, I closed the letter asking God to help me release Jesse back into His tender care.
I had spent many weeks working through all the pain my abortion had brought to my life. After naming Jesse and attending his Honoring Service, I struggled with the next step – releasing Jesse back into the care of His Creator. I didn’t want to let go of the child I had worked so long to forget. I’m grateful that Jesus understood and helped me let him go once again, only this time in a healthy and Godly manner.
After that letter was finished, I pulled out a blank sheet of paper. This was a letter from God to me. I simply started by writing, “Dear Sydna.” At the bottom of the page, I wrote “Love, God.”
I prayed as I wrote the things that I felt God was speaking into my heart due to this grieving process. I was amazed at what He said to me through my own pen! It was a great way to start hearing God’s voice in my heart. It also released a great burden from my heart in understanding that my sins were forgiven.
In Psalm 51, David writes about repentance. It’s his letter to God. In verses 1-4 he says, Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your loving kindness; According to the multitude of Your tender mercies. Blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity; and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Your sight.
In verses 14-17, David goes on, Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, the God of my salvation, and my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth shall show forth Your praise. For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it; You do not delight in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and a contrite heart – these, O God, You will not despise.
One cannot “earn” God’s forgiveness. God does not desire sacrifice or gifts. He wants our broken spirits and a broken and contrite heart. In giving these to God, my sinner’s heart died and a new creature was born.
This truth is found in Romans 6:5-14, For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, dies no more. Death no longer has dominion over Him.
For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.
While I’m human and still prone to sin, it’s a different heart in this body today than at the abortion clinic. God transformed my life into something that He could use to reach others.
Is He finished with you? Not at all. He’s only begun to work His will in your life. That work will be completed upon your own death as outlined in Philippians 3:12b-14… but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Go back to your journal and write a letter to God for Him to deliver to your child in Heaven. Then pull out another sheet and write a letter from God to you, as outlined above.