I am a murderer by all definitions. By my choice, a human being was destroyed. Because of the legalities of this choice, I will serve no time in prison. But that does not mean I do not carry the weight of this sin.
At the time, I was offered the fake news that abortion was safe and legal. It was my right as a woman to control my body. It would even make my life better by allowing me to erase this mistake and have a do-over. They said there was plenty of time to make other choices.
No negative aspects to this form of assassination were offered then. Legal somehow made it right. Yet I knew better than to believe strangers who told me that black was white.
The last person to impact this choice told me, “You can hold my hand, honey…. This is going to hurt.” It was the only truthful comment offered to my anxiety filled heart. Boy did it hurt, and the pain settled in to plague my existence for many years to come.
My significant and trusted associates murdered as well. They showed no negative impact in the months and years that followed their own wasting of a life. Many made this choice again and again, believing that if it was right in first case, it was perfectly fine in the second, third or tenth scenario.
As is typical with committing homicide, my life changed forever that day. The coldness of my calculated act caused a deep shift in my personality. I hid this murderous truth deep inside my soul. When it crept up into my conscious thoughts, I’d bat it away with additional lies from the abortion industry. The woman I was before this homicide was lost. She was replaced with a cold woman who bore little resemblance to my former state.
I learned to drink and smoke and party with the best of them. The promiscuity of sleeping with strange men provided little comfort as I was always alone again in the morning.
Every third week in March – the anniversary of my child’s due date – found me overwhelmed with inexplicable sadness and pain. When thoughts of the person I had killed floated on the edge of my conscience, I’d simply pound it out of my soul again. That worked, for a while.
You see, I was not born with the heart that could live well in the cold shadow of a murder decision. At some point, the spiritual aspect of my choice rose up to haunt me. Yet my mind had distanced itself so far from the truth that my choice had been murder, I did not realize my sorrow was related to my murderous act.
In those days, the industry that promoted this form of murder continued to outline that there was no regret. No women came forward in any pain or grief to testify that this choice ruined them.
The silence of the murderers is significant enough to outline real regret. If one out of every three American women has chosen to murder at least once, why is it that they rarely speak of this sin?
Like the murderers in the Bible – i.e., Moses, David and Paul – murder can be hidden away unseen until the point where God’s hand moves and opens up the truth, revealing the vastness of this sin. News channels can continue to outline there is no regret, but for those of us who have experienced God’s hand of enlightenment, there is nothing to do but confess.
God’s hand came down into my thoughts and revealed my murderous actions. I confessed to aborting my first-born to Him and begged for His forgiveness. I could not bear to hold this truth anymore. It was a poison that threatened my very existence as a woman and a mother.
Acts 2:1-8 outlines a similar story – Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord’s disciples… As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”
“Who are you, Lord?” Saul asked.
“I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,” he replied. “Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.”
The men traveling with Saul stood there speechless; they heard the sound but did not see anyone. Saul got up from the ground, but when he opened his eyes he could see nothing. So they led him by the hand into Damascus. For three days he was blind, and did not eat or drink anything.
God’s clarity that I had believed the false truth that abortion was not murder was made perfectly clear. My heart repented and the guilt and grief of murdering my own child was made very obvious to my heart.
But God did not leave me there. He led me into an abortion recovery program designed to help release me from the bondage of my crime. God used a gentle team of ministry leaders to be His arms and legs, a window to the Christian community that said they would not judge me.
Then God gave me a task, outlined in John 21:15 … Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
My life has been a sacrifice since that day to the women of this world who are also murderers. By building awareness and helping them find God’s help to forgive themselves, many have been set free from the pain, guilt and shame of making an abortion decision. One day, they will be reunited with their children in heaven. So, will I.
The fake news continues to tout abortion as the perfect way for women to control their own bodies. But that is a lie. Abortion leaves one dead and one mortally wounded. Calling us out as murderers does not help us. But the gentle truth that God forgives even the sin of abortion can set us on a new path of peace where our truth can change hearts about abortion’s impact.
Please know that God’s love and mercy are available to you. The first step is revealed in 1 John 1:9 – If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.